F*** Off

[Sorry for not blogging for a few days. Let's just say, I was really tired, really tired.]

About the title, what I thought would be best for today would be a title which you guys can provide. Maybe you guys, who are too exposed to discredited media, would really think that the asterisks should be replaced with u - c - k. I mean, hello? Who would not think of that word? (Hey, guess what? I typed that paragraph without even saying the word itself. I'm that good.)

Well, maybe you should've thought of other words which could fit the phrase F*** Off.

For example:
Face Off. :D
Full Off (continue)
Flew Off
(others)

I mean, lots of possibilities, different meanings, one encrypted phrase: F*** Off.

I learned this phrase from the phrase, "Oh, Lord, sir." This came from Shakespeare's Scribe by Gary L. Blackwood (see previous post for details).

In the story, the the phrase was used by Shakespeare as a line which could face as different kinds of emotions. One phrase, varied expressions. I mean, this was a very powerful phrase. You can use this in different forms. But, when used inappropriately or used at a time when the emotion was not suitable, it can screw everything up. Poof.

Tonight, or should I say, this midnight, I am going to review myself. Judge me if you want, but your opinions are not as important as mine for tonight.

ME. Jan Harvey S. Parafina.

Okay. Let's start off easy. I am a workaholic. I love to do work, but there are limitations to the work I do, though. I only put as much effort on a project which I could consider fun. When everything turns out to be stuff on reading things and shit like that, I'll fall for Slumber easily.

So, I guess, you could call me lazy.

Next, I am a worthless person. All I could do is try to understand people and ends up failing, miserably. I mean, all this time I've been trying to understand myself, and I guess it's pretty hard to when you're distracted by a lot of things, school, homework, real life, etc.

I mean, I believe in stories which I take as true (which makes sense because sometimes, I am the one who misunderstands). And, I'm sorry for that. I have gone overboard and it makes me miserable to know this, but, I have to face it. I make up lies which I myself cannot differentiate from what might be real for a change. Then, when people confront me, I panic, which is why you might not understand me at times. No, I was not being deranged or something, as far as I can tell. Let's just say that I am having a wee problem.

At times, particularly the one time (you know who you are), I feel that I don't deserve some things I this world. I feel that I might be using some people and that I don't deserve to be with acquaintance with them (too formal?). I get these epiphanies, but instead of being bright ones, they're the ones which shadows everything in your life. So, I'm very sorry for those times.

Sometimes, I get so numb, I become inconsiderate. These were times when I feel like forgetting everything else, forget all my problems, forget everything. Then, I start to forget everyone else in this world. One by one, starting from the least of my concerns to the people who are near to me. I get so focused on myself, so self-centered. I mean it's good to care for yourself, but, like a magnifying glass, it's one thing to focus and magnify on one thing, and it's another thing to burn something else in focusing too much. I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry for this. I guess numbness is not the passive loss of a feeling, it's rather the active and voluntary letting go of one's emotions.

At other times, I feel like everything will all falter and break; shatter into pieces as they pierce my skin. I feel like giving up and wonder why the hell am I still living. For heaven's sake, I can't take this much longer. Life's just throwing stones at you, and you're not throwing 'em back. Rather, you pick up those stones, put them in your backpack, and still wonder what to do with it. And, unless I do something with it, the more stones I put in my bag, the more I'll slow and the more I, myself, falter and break.

I got so many masks I've put on all my life. I guess it's time to take them off one by one.

-15th Review